CW: i'm not saying anything in this entry, really. only that i'm sad. happens to everyone from time to time, mh? 💗
Lately I’ve been quite sad. You know when you try making plans with friends and they ignore your message and then you see them hanging out together? Or when you post a song cover on your Instagram story only for it to receive zero replies? When you live in a house that feels tense all the time? Where every achievement is just what’s expected of you and won’t be celebrated? Well. It can get tiring after a bit. I’m very tired today. I haven’t really done much. I tried studying. Didn't work. I baked an amazing cake, that is true. Very yummy. I sang and played music. And that’s it. This was my day. I want to cry but I’m afraid I’ll explode. I don’t want to explode. I can’t afford that! I want to run away, very very far and just never see this place again..

Hello there! These past couple of weeks have been quite stressful: interniship, university, thesis, driving license.. a lot is on my mind. But yesterday I managed to do something I hadn't done in so so long: I relaxed. Like, actually, properly relaxed. I always feel the need to do do do, do something productive, write something, study, send emails, be on top of everything. Time feels rushing, all days look the same and they go by so fast. But yesterday I relaxed. Not doing "much" but doing something precious: enjoying my time with my loved one, without getting distracted by the thousand thoughts in my brain.
I really needed that. To feel time going slowly, to not be in a hurry. And I'm bringing that energy to today and hopefully to the upcoming future as well.
I remember how it was like, as a kid: I'd come home and the afternoon seemed to never end. I always had to invent something to entertain myself. There was no short-form content everywhere, no notifications demanding my attention, no thoughts wandering all over. It was just me, my room, my imagination. And it was enough. When time went by slowly, it was okay, it was just part of life. Now, when time doesn't pass quickly, I feel like it's a problem I need to fix. But it's truly not. Quite the opposite. I need to reconnect with that younger version of me, who was capable of enjoying silence and calm.
Today I initially wanted to jump straight to studying all day long. But I decided not to. I decided to sit down and play an old game of my adolescence: Life is Strange, the first one. Taking my sweet sweet time, talking to all the characters, looking around, exploring, with curiousity and not rush, not striving to finish the game, but simply enjoying its journey. And my anxiety has calmed down. I feel grounded, on earth, alive. And it's crazy to think I hadn't felt like this in such a long time.
I feel like tiktok and instagram aren't helping much. I need to find a better way to manage them. They're useful tools: I find plenty of recipes there, connect with other vegans and like-minded people, see what my friends have decided to share. But it's an easy rabbit hole to fall into. You scroll scroll scroll, through funny memes when you're lucky, through hate content and AI content when you're not (it's usually a mix). And you're just thrown across, from one topic to the next, without the time to process what's going on. It's.. weird. I'm not really enjoying it, and it feels compulsory. So I'll set some rules for myself.

And now I'll share some of the things that have been keeping me sane through these not so simple weeks!

• baking: I love baking. I've only started.. like a year ago. And ever since I've become vegan, I've just been baking multiple times a week: biscuits, plumcakes, muffins. And they're oh so good! It's incredibly satisfying to start with a few simple ingredients and end up with a lovely sweet treat! And the act of mixing and kneading is just incredibly calming.
• reading: I was so stressed, I couldn't find the time to read for leisure, but only for university. Now, reading before bed is part of my routine, and I'm so happy! It's a great way to unwind after a long day.
• gaming: videogames allow me to sit down and connect with a hobby i've had ever since I was a tiny child: it's comforting and reassuring, and reminds me that there's more to life than work and stress.
• moving: stretching, lifting, walking, are all activities that help me feel connected to the present and to my body. I've started a sport recently: aerial hoop! Yes, not the most standard for a guy (I am indeed the only guy in class), but who cares? It's fun. And it's helping a lot, as someone that hates working out. It allows me to have fun while taking care of my body, which is great!

Something I shall work on is.. going to bed earlier. These days I go to bed at around 10:30 pm, and read until midnight. It's something that can work for some people, but not for me. I definitely need to adjust my routine in this sense. Maybe do everything one hour earlier.
I hope you guys are also taking care of yourselves: the world isn't in a great state, and life can get very stressful. Take your time!

Hi! This past month has been full of new things, but most notably, I became vegetarian, recently going vegan. I'm still learning to navigate a world without animal exploitation: dude, meat, milk and eggs are practically everywhere. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's been a wonderful journey so far, I'm learning a lot and I'm living aligned with my personal believes.

I think it's extremely easy to not know what you're doing: there are happy cows drawn on milk boxes, there are funny chickens drawn on the sign of that restaurant. It doesn't look too bad, does it? And it tastes great and everybody does it, so. But once you look behind that, you may find something you don't like.

We don't do the killing ourselves, so there's that extra step that allows us to be comfortably distant from our actions. I was a big meat lover, especially when I was a kid: I did not eat ANY vegetable (unless you count the tomato sauce on pizza..), did not eat much pasta, did not eat any fruit at all. So you can imagine how tough it was to challenge certain believes and routines. But the truth is I don't want to kill animals. That's all. I'm not a killer. I just don't do that. Buying meat is like hiring someone else to do the killing for you. Why would I do that? Did you know that working in slaughterhouses is linked to very high rates of PTSD and mental issues? Why would I want to finance someone's mental decline?
I simply don't want that. So instead of looking the other way, I looked at what I was doing: I did not like it, and I changed. Now my cooking has improved a lot, and I'm simply.. happier!

Hi there! Yes, it's been four months since my last entry. I know! So let's give a little update on my life!

• I started my intership as a social worker: 200 hours, which I've just finished. There were ups and downs, but it was definitely a fulfilling experience, and it's clearly the path I want to pursue in life. You can tell how good a country is by how it treats the people that are struggling. And Italy has a long way to do in this sense, and I want to do my part! I have 250 more hours to do, probably in child protection. We'll see!
  
  
• I went abroad for the first time ever: to Sweden, to visit my best friend for her graduation in computational chemistry! There were many cultural shocks for me, and the biggest one was probably the air. I'm talking the oxygen. The breeze. The breathing. I live in THE most polluted area of Europe (yayyy), and I went to one of the least polluted ones: the difference was incredible. I savoured every breath. Fuck pollution. But there were also other things that were different, like street signs. You know the walking man street sign? Well, in Sweden there are also walking woman streets signs: cuz who said "man" is the standard? And I just had never seen that before! There were also ads for socialist parties everywhere, which is something impossible here in Italy. Public transport also worked wonders! In the town where I live there are only TWO buses a day, and they're both in the morning. I dare you to try and move around with only public transport here... The food was also great, lots of butter for some reason but I don't mind. Not everything was perfect though: there were no public fountains, which is just.. weird?? Water is the most basic ass thing ever. It should be available to everyone, always. But maybe it was just the cities I visited, who knows! Overall I had a beautiful beautiful time, plenty of fun, and I can't wait to visit again!
  
  
• I'm no longer single 😎 Fell for a lovely, lovely boy. I'm truly happy with that. We went on vacation together and it was fun: there was a cosplay convention, and so many Deltarune cosplayers! It was a great week!
  
  
• Not a major update, but two teenagers approached me and my boyfriend to say we were "super cool" and complimented the Deltarune pins on my bag. I feel accomplished.
  
  
• I finished all the exams from this second year of university. I'm truly happy with how I had organised my routine and scheduled all the exams. I'm still learning how to navigate this adult world, and I guess you never stop discovering new things, really. Third and last year of university... here I come!
  

So that was a little update on my life. I'll see you soon! Stay safe xx

Storytime ! It was around 2018 and I was playing Club Penguin Rewritten for the first time (I see you judging: DON’T 😝). I didn’t know much about the game, but luckily a girl came up to me and started helping me explore the map and understand what the game was about. We started chatting a lot and eventually began to play together everyday. At one point her brother came online too, with his own account! So we were vibing together, all three of us.
She eventually opened up about losing two younger siblings in a car accident: I was kind of suspicious (it’s quite a dramatic incident to share to a random stranger on the internet, but hey, tragedies happen all the time, why should I doubt her?). So I believed her and comforted her. We became friends with other people, chatted a lot, just playing minigames and whatnot.
At one point she offered to connect outside of the game, through reddit (interesting social media choice, but okay). We made a little private subreddit, where me, her, her brother, and a couple of mutual friends could talk together and share things: she shared pics of her pet squirrels, of the places she often went to, etc.
One day she shared a picture of a library, saying had taken the photo just a couple of minutes prior. But the picture looked.. weird. The quality was suspiciously bad, very pixel-y. So I reverse searched the image and.. it was a very common image of a famous library, used in plenty of articles and ads. Welp.
I was like “let’s see the other photos”. Of course the pet squirrels were also someone else’s pictures, just like every picture she had ever sent.
I confronted her about it. She admitted to having made up pretty much everything, from her age, to her brother and friends (it was her managing multiple accounts at the same time), to her backstory.. Everything! I had spent months talking to someone that was lying about everything, nurturing a friendship that was completely fake, chatting with multiple people who were actually the same person. At least she came clean. So I just encouraged her to embrace her true self and be honest: you don’t have to have a crazy, movie-like backstory to be interesting. Being human is already inherently interesting! It’s okay to be you. And we just never talked again.
I wonder how she’s doing! I hope she’s doing better: it wasn't a scam for money, she never asked personal information or things about my family. I think she just needed connection and a bit of a thrill? Who knows. But this taught me something about meeting people on the web. I have made some amazing friends online, but it’s always best to be a bit careful! Wanna be close friends, talk on a daily? Maybe let’s have a videocall, sooner or later!

CW: depression, transphobia, mention of self-harm and attempt.
Hello! A little disclaimer: diagnoses can be life-saving. I’m on meds, and they are essential to me. This entry only wants to highlight one problematic aspect that can arise with diagnoses. Even a good tool can have its issues. Discussing them can be a first step towards improvement. This is MY experience. Yours can be entirely different. Those things can co-exist.

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety. If you knew me at the time, you know I was struggling, hard. I couldn’t talk in public, I couldn’t stay in class for more than 10 minutes, I’d lock myself in the bathroom for five hours and cry and scream, and I won’t get into more detail, to keep this reading safe.
I was clearly mentally ill, and the issue was my brain. Or so was I told.
Nobody stopped to think: why is this guy in so much pain? Is there a pattern to it? Are we, as a society, doing something wrong?
Nope. The problem was me and only me. I was the only one responsible for my depression.

And so, after my diagnosis, the school decided to send me home for a couple of months, because they didn’t want to have the “responsibility of a possible suicide at school”. That’s literally what they said (in Italian, of course).
But let’s take a step back. Why was I crying so much? Why was I in so much pain? And that’s when it gets tricky: is the problem my brain or is my depression a natural response to what I was experiencing?
Because you see, while I’m now an adult trans man, on hrt, with new legal documents, always read as a guy in society, and I rarely have to stand up to defend my identity… that wasn’t the case in high school.
I was a young trans boy, that had no support from adults. The teachers straight up refused to call me by my chosen name, or even by my surname: deadnaming was the only option, to them. And they insisted: “School is an institution. It’s too much of a formal setting to call someone by a name that isn’t their legal one”. This is what one of the teachers told me. He often joked in class, called people by nicknames, even made fun of students with autism… so I’m pretty sure formality and institutions were not his primary reason for this choice. But I digress.
When I came out to a teacher, she told me the school would have found a therapist that could “stop this”. No, not stop my pain: stop my transition.

Now imagine: you’re in this setting. Teachers constantly refusing to accept your identity, constantly disrespecting your whole being. I remember once, a teacher kept deadnaming and I was feeling miserable, so I just ran away, cried, and couldn’t resist the urge to self-harm. What was her reaction? Worry, perhaps? Maybe she tried talking to me? No: she was annoyed. She went “tsk, come on, it’s not that serious”, and kept on misgendering me. Not even offering me a fucking plaster.
And yet the problem was me. My brain. A chemical imbalance. I was simply born with depression. The environments I lived in couldn’t do anything about it. I was the only one responsible.
When I got forced to stay home, I started to slowly get better. I learnt that I had a voice. That I could talk back. That I could demand respect. And if I wasn’t given any, I could walk away.
It wasn’t easy, and it took me years. But I realised that the problem wasn’t me: it was society. It was the system. A system that allowed teachers to shit on their trans students. A system that made it clear that I was a burden and a nuisance, a mistake and a weirdo. It wasn’t me as an individual: it was me as a trans guy.

I came back to high school, a couple years later. I demanded respect, always. If a teacher wouldn’t listen, I’d literally get up and leave. “Oh, but that’s against the rules”. So what? What’s more important? Some made up rules or the respect for a human identity? I was lucky enough to have found some great teachers. Not a single one from my previous high school experience.
So these new teachers were calling me by my name. And I started talking. I started intervening in class, raising my hand all the time. I could finally focus on studying, and not only worry about my dignity being stepped on. Suddenly my brain wasn’t as chemically imbalanced. Suddenly I stopped self-harming. Suddenly I was doing better. I finished my high school studies, cum laude. I was featured in the local newspaper, with my name. It was a nice gotcha-moment for me, to all the transphobes who didn’t see me as human.
But I know the truth: if I hadn’t changed school, I wouldn’t have done it. Because being in a class where the teachers constantly misgender and disrespect you, was incredibly painful. I would cry, scream, and I was ignored. Nobody ever stood up for me, but I don’t blame my classmates. They were as young as me. And honestly, it’s the teachers who should teach us respect. Not the other way around.
“You’re depressed, you can’t go to school”. I was crazy and weird. A trans weirdo. If I was depressed, it was clearly on me. That’s how my diagnosis was read. So school stayed the same way: transphobic, ignorant teachers, refusing to respect trans students. I was sent home, when what I truly needed was respect and support.

“You’re depressed, maybe there’s something wrong with how we’re treating you”. Nobody told me this. I don’t think it ever crossed the teachers’ minds. Because we’re putting the responsibility on the individual. Just like when people say “Ah, you’re poor. That’s because you’re lazy” and completely ignore the problems, the BIG problems of our economic and social system.
As a future social worker, this matters a lot to me. People are not their problem. People often have those problems because we, as a society, aren’t giving them a proper environment to live in. Communities, respect, acceptance, dialogue, support. This is what we need. And if we only give a diagnosis and some meds to people, the underlining problem isn’t going to change. Diagnoses can be a wake up call: they tell us that something is wrong. But that something isn’t always in the person themselves. It could be in the system. And if that’s the case, the system has to change.