Hi people! ^^ This is just a little unorganised rant about... buying physical things!
I was cleaning my bedroom and I realised... wow. I have plenty of things. So many physical things. It's books, funko pops, sylvanian families, dolls, videogames, fidget toys, journals, plushies... and I just felt overwhelmed.
I love toys. Action figures. Dolls. Things of that nature. I like them a lot. But I think that the line between collecting and hoarding is very fine. Don't get me wrong: I don't own hundreds of toys. I have around 20 sylvanians, 10 funko pops, 10 dolls. I'm not a MASSIVE collector or anything. Still, I can't help but feel guilty at times.
I have started to almost exclusively buy second-hand in these past years, but many of my toys are from when I bought new things, in stores. And looking at those makes me feel especially guilty. Because it's simply not sustainable. Same thing for books. There's someone with that same exact book sitting on their shelf. Someone that will throw their copy away because they don't read it anymore. Millions of copies of the same thing. And it's a bit dystopian to think about.
We buy so many things new, when there's probably someone with that thing who isn't using it anymore and would happily sell it to you. And at the same time we hoard so much. We produce so much. Yes, Sylvanian families are fun and cute and honestly just little art pieces. But do we really need all of this plastic? Ten different editions of the same cat shaped toy? Where's the line between buying and overconsuming, between "I'm buying to give it a second life" and "I'm buying because buying feels essential to my identity?"
Honestly I don't know. And sometimes I feel the same way about my physical journals. I will die one day. Where will my journals go? Who will read them? Did my journaling habits have an impact on the world? What kind of impact? Was it worth it?
I know some people might say I overthink. But I can't help this: what am I leaving on this planet and why? Will my sylvanian families just get thrown in the trash? Ultimately that's what will happen, when humanity ends. Will it have been worth it?
Well that got dark really quick LOL. Don't take everything I say too deeply, I'm just... thinking!
But overall I think we just.. already have enough things on this planet. Enough toys to make people happy, enough physical books and reading devices to share culture... do we really need to produce at this rate?

When he’s gay and conservative, it makes you think, doesn’t it?
You’re not crazy, this contradiction isn’t a new phenomenon: let’s try and make some sense out of this.

The premise: people want to survive. You’re more likely to survive if you are accepted by society. Society discriminates those who don’t fit in. So what does the insecure gay person do? Scared that they won’t be accepted by society, they point their fingers at someone else in their group to discriminate. They distance themselves from the rest of gay people. “I’m not like them! I’m normal! I don’t flaunt it! I don’t make it my entire personality! At least I’m not like those crazy trans people!”.

This is called “concern with in-group purification” (Erving Goffman, 1963): the efforts to ‘normify’ not only yourself, but also the others in the same group.
Being associated with people who are “more evidently different” than the norm brings about a sort of “honorary stigma”: people will group you together with those people, and their stigma gets reflected on you.
This is why we’ve been seeing part of the LGB movement distancing itself from the T: trans people are the current scapegoat, the current “enemy” in many countries (the UK is a relevant example here). So other LGB people distance themselves from trans people, in order to be on the side of the majority. But this is not limited to cis people. Some trans people do this too: you probably know a few trans conservative activists who spend their time making fun of other trans people. “Ahah look at this liberal blue-haired trans weirdo. I am not like them! I am a normal trans person. I’m not your enemy, they are! I am on your side”.
While this is a defence mechanism, and a very sad one at that, since it means you don’t fully embrace yourself (and that is normal in adolescence and early adulthood, but it’s something that can stop you from living an authentic life, so it’s important to work on it), it has negative consequences, both for the people being excluded and the people that are excluding.
While you try to present yourself as “normal”, society will still see you as different from the norm, and treat you differently. But you might not notice that, since you’re too preoccupied normifying your behaviour. “Oh, I thought you guys accepted me?”, will say the “normal” gay man that voted for Trump when Trump starts removing his rights (for example, the Executive Order 13988 and many DEIA (diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility) programs being revoked). Because intolerance doesn’t care about how different you are, if just a bit or a lot: you’re still different, and it will treat you as such.

Nobody is perfect and we can all fall into this thinking pattern. It’s important to be aware of it! We grew up interiorising the point of view of the majority of the population. Once we find out that we differ from their expectations, we can get very defensive. It’s understandable, and it’s human. But who does it really serve? Us? The vulnerable people? Or the majority that’s in power?

CW: religion, homophobia, transphobia. No graphic or detailed content.

For this entry I chose the title “Smalltown boy”, which is an 80s British song you probably know (I am leaving it here if you want to listen to it). The song is about a gay boy living in a small town, where he’s bashed for his sexuality. Not accepted by his family, he leaves his town and moves away to live a more authentic life. I relate to this song a lot.
I live in an especially small town: less than 1000 inhabitants. No shops, no anything! The town revolves around its church, which I happen to live just next to.
I spent my whole life here. And it is, of course, a very Christian and conservative town. So, I grew up in the church, helping out during religious service, going to catechism lessons every week, and so on. I realized I was trans in middle school, and I was still a part of this Christian community. That’s when service got really bad. The preacher would insist that gay and trans people are evil demons, that they are unnatural, that God created Adam and Eve, etc. etc., you know the drill.
Hanging on the entrance door to the church, you would find posters that said “protect the traditional family from gender”, with the drawing of a family defending themselves from a rainbow (…yeah).
At one point they even made an event "against gender" (and I was invited there by someone who said I should repent myself and detransition. I almost went, but I had some self-respect even as a 14-year-old!).
And that’s when I started to think: I don’t belong here. I love my town, but it doesn’t love me. It doesn’t accept me. It thinks I’m an abomination.
So, at one point I... stopped going out. I’d avoid walking through town at all costs. I’d hide from people. I stopped attending any kind of town event.
I started going out again when I realized I deserved to take up space in this small town, in this world, just like everyone else living in it. I still don’t attend local events and I sadly don’t have any rapport with many of the people that were present in my childhood. But that’s life for you, folks. You won’t be welcomed by everyone. You don’t have to listen to them though.
While I spend most of my time hanging out in nearby cities, I love my small town. The nature of it, its woods, its brooks and streams, its sunshine and animals. The birds, the boars, the trees, the air... I love everything about it. And I am sure my town, in its nature, at its core, accepts me as one of his inhabitants, regardless. We all belong.

Hi people! YES! I finally took that exam that was scaring the hell out of me (and passed it in the best way possible). Now, preparing this exam was tough. Plenty of materials to study, plenty of exercises to do. But I am glad I pushed through.
This exam was about semiotics and sociology (semiotics is the study of meaning and how we convey meaning through language, signs, symbols. For example why the word "flower" conveys the concept of a flower. Or why Joan of Arc is a symbol of progressive feminist movements to some groups, while also being a symbol of conservativism and nationalism to other groups. Etc etc). The exam focused a lot on stigmatized people and minorities, as one of the reading was "Stigma" by Ervin Goffman (of which you can find my little thoughts in my books page). I learnt so so much, I am truly glad I took this exam. I was very, very anxious most of the time preparing for it, because the professor was a bit.. intimidating! But I managed to handle my anxiety and find ways to cope. And that is one of the things I appreciate about these exams: they are a gym to train emotional regulation and speaking abilities.
I had abandoned high school for a couple of years at one point.. two main reasons: my depression and anxiety; and the complete lack of respect to my identity from the teachers, who would straight out refuse to call me by my chosen name and pronouns (and I will never, ever forgive them. Sorry loves!). Thankfully when I came back to school I stood my ground and DEMANDED respect, and found better teachers. And I was given the respect trans identities deserve .
So my relationship with tests and exams wasn't the easiest one. But I am glad I got to a point where I trust I have something to say, and I say it. Speak your minds, my friends .
Now I have some more time to relax. As last month I have picked up my Korean again, I will spend some time on it!
Ah, it was also my birthday recently. I turned 23. So that's cool! I like that number :)

Hello everyone! Today's the last day of summer. University classes start again and we're back to the old routine . Just like last year, my first class will be tomorrow, on the 23rd: which also happens to be my 23rd birthday! :)
I was supposed to go back to uni today, but there was a national strike here in Italy, in favour of Palestine, so I decided to partecipate. I was happily surprised by the amount of people that showed up. There's hope .

This summer was a bit different from my previous ones, as it was always full of university exams ! I still have one last exam to take, and that's going to be this thursday (wish me luck!).
It didn't really feel like a summer, because I didn't really take a break from university. But I guess that's the adult world for ya!
If I had to describe this summer in a word, it would be: stress. I was very, very stressed. And often struggled to balance everything and not feel overwhelmed. But I think got better at dealing with it, so I'm still happy with how everything went. .
Let's head into the new academic year and new season with a positive attitude! Good luck!

CW: mentions of violence and death (no graphic details).

Disclaimer: everything in this entry is my personal point of view. I have friends with different opinions and we’re still friends. I don’t have supreme knowledge and judgment. I’m just here to share my thoughts and can respect other opinions.

We all know what happened a couple of days ago: Charlie Kirk, a far-right influencer and activist, was shot dead while debating trans rights and firearm rights. Between the two, he supported just one: can you guess which one?

I don’t feel sad for him. He said it himself: "it's worth it to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year, so that we can have the Second Amendment to protect our other God-given rights"(source, minute 41:30). So he would have been okay with what happened. I feel sadder for the impact his propaganda has had, its consequences, its victims.

But do I feel happy? No. I am in favour of gun control. And his death happened exactly thanks to the lack of gun control. It would feel hypocritical to celebrate the very thing I am against. “But Nathan, violence exists without guns!”, you’re right. But guns being so easily available increase it. On the same day Kirk was shot, a school shooting happened. It wasn’t the second or third school shooting of this year in the US... it was the 47th (CNN). Guns are a problem.

On top of that, do I believe we gained anything from his death? No. The far-right wasn’t upheld by Kirk only: it’s a vast machine, of which he was only one of the many gears. To think that we can dismantle this system by killing all its members is to me not only unrealistic, but also distant from my personal values of non-violence. Don’t get me wrong: sometimes violence is justified and even necessary. To say the opposite is to deny a harsh reality. To say the opposite is a privilege. I just don’t think this was one of those cases.

After starting this blog, I have barely used my personal journal anymore, as it basically has the same function, or so I thought. I failed to see one big difference: my secret diary is, well, secret. This journal is not. It's public, everyone can access it. Which means that what I talk about and how I talk about it necessarily differs from how I'd do it in the privacy of my secret diary
And that was something I was missing. So last night I picked up my journal (see picture! cute isn't it? it was a gift from my friend Elliot!) and started writing. The experience is quite different from writing entries here: I had almost forgot how it felt! There I can write lousily, with unreadable penmanship, and not really care about.. well, anything! It's just me and the paper. I don't have to explain what I write, because the paper already knows what I mean.
And some things are better faced in privacy. Sharing things online is awesome, it allows you to get feedbacks and start conversations, and it's definitely something I won't stop doing, but it cannot substitute alone time, my reflection time with me and nobody else.
I started writing journals as a child It was a writing exercise for school, and we had to pick out a name for our diary. I chose "Pey'j", after the character from Beyond Good and Evil.
I had picked it because
1. it's a character I love,
2. it's pronounced "page", which is fitting for a diary!
And it always stayed that way. Connecting with "Pey'j" again was like a friends reunion. I'm grateful.
If you also had a journal and gave it up or perhaps just put it aside for a while, this might be a good time to ask yourself if you need it again. Nowadays we tend to always be connected and always share every part of our lives and thoughts. But there are things we're not comfortable sharing with the world. And if we don't share them to ourselves, they're just going to stay there: untouched, unfaced. Perhaps affecting us without even being aware of it. Make sure to check in with yourselves And take good care, friends! xx

(CW: genocide in Palestine)
Here are some charities that are worth checking out and donating to.
If you have the means, I encourage you to do so.

• Palestine Children's Relief Fund
  
• The Sameer Project
  
• Care For Gaza
  
• Medecins Sans Frontieres (international and italian)
  

Just like companies are capable of greenwashing, pinkwashing, and so on, so are individuals. Appearing to support a certain cause can pay off both in personal relationships and social identity.
It's something I've noticed lately. As someone who fully supports Palestinians and completely condemns Israel on the genocide it's been perpetrating, I'm always happy to see people saying they're on Palestine's side. But sometimes, when you talk to certain people, it becomes clear that they're saying so just to follow a trend. Just because they'd be frawned upon by their friends if they said anything different (rightfully so, but not the point). They just accept this opinion without informing themselves. They will say "boooo, this singer is drinking coca cola, free palestine", and call it a day, thinking this comment will save Palestine. (Perhaps even using Google to comment that, not realising that Google is on the list of the BDS movement).
Palestinians deserve ALL the support. Which is why I'm sad to see many people use it for looks. We can absolutely talk about boycott, but it has to be among other things like spreading awareness, protesting, donating to charity, partecipating in fundraisings, learning. Commenting "boooo BTS are the ambassadors for Coca Cola Korea, they're zionists" is not enough. It will not end zionism. It will not end the genocide. It will not heal Palestinians who have been injured by the bombings. We need to stop pretending like this is a war fought on the tiktok comment section. Let's bring the focus back. Because it seems like, on mainstream social media, people are forgetting that we're talking about actual people with a long history of apartheid, abuse, and discrimination.
Note that I am talking about a specific kind of person, and if you're on my site it's unlikely that this is you. There are people who are doing amazing work spreading information, raising money for Gaza, donating for the cause, and I believe they might be the majority. Here I'm talking about.. other people. People that aren't interested in actually doing their part, but only care about their appearence. Because when I hear people complaing about Coca Cola and then think that Hamas is Israel or that Israel is a muslim country, all I can think is: this is purely a performance. Palestinians are deserving of actual empathy. Let's not use this genocide to boost our egos or whatever the fuck. We're talking about real people.
Now, is performative activism worse than no activism at all? Frankly, I'm not sure. All I know is that it's not enough.

This entry will be mostly written for myself: a way of letting my emotions out.
I have no idea as to what's going on with me. I've just been.. down! Some days are better than others, sure. But I feel this dark, gloomy cloud over me at all times. And it's bringing me down. I've been diagnosed with depression in 2018. It's been a while and things have definitely got better. This intense sadness and emptiness used to be how I always felt. Now.. these moments are just that: moments, exceptions to a happier norm. But it's hit me, hard.
Something that's been making me very sad is that I'm not enjoying the time I spend with my friends. It always feels like an out of body experience. I can't really connect when I feel this way. It's a defense mechanism, of course. But it's doing more harm than good.

• Working out is a very grounding activity, and I'm enjoying it a lot. I do it while watching Rupaul's drag race. Yes. I'm watching season 13. First season with a trans man, yay!
  
• Then I've been playing Beyond Good and Evil, on the nintendo switch. That's also useful.
  
• I've also been reading, studying for exams, and even studying to get a driver's license: I dislike cars and private transports. I'm a bus and train kinda person. But I think it's a useful skill to have, driving. Plus I live in the middle of nowhere, and sadly not a single bus comes by my town. Yea. Not one. So being able to drive might come in handy. Either way I'm enjoying learning all the road signs.
  
• I've also written a "dopamine menu" (inspired by this youtube video): a list of activities that make me feel good. It's helped me become more intentional with what I do. It was quite a fun activity: I decorated it with coloured markers and stuff :)

So let's say I'm trying. I will find my balance, sooner or later. If you're also feeling down.. remember you're not alone. Humans everywhere are sharing our emotions. Let's do this together. Stay safe xx

Hello! ^^ After a couple of incredibly difficult weeks with my mental health, I am starting to feel better. It's a weird feeling: I'm happy I'm getting out of this tough moment, but also I wish I hadn't been sad at all. I wish I could always be strong and on top of my game. But I guess that's not what humans are about, and I have to accept it. We have ups and downs, and that's okay.
I tried hanging out with friends, but it just wouldn't help. I realise I was trying to force myself to get better, but it just doesn't work like that. Don't get me wrong, it's important not to isolate yourself. But hanging out with the only objective of rapidly getting over your sad slump can be counterproductive. It takes time, patience.. it can be frustrating, not knowing when you're going to get better. But emotions need time to be processed.
Last night I went out with a friend to get some ice cream: it was yummy and I had a good time and we talked about the most random things. I like that kind of night out.
Aaaand it's august! Which means.. I'm back to studying! I usually prepare my exams with a full two weeks immersion, but this time I am starting a whole month early, so I can take my sweet time with it and not rush too much.
I'll go study now. Take care xx!

Hey there :) This entry might be upsetting as I talk about my mental health. I won't talk about anything explicit, but stay safe and only read if you're feeling like it!

I don't really know what's going on. I woke up a few days ago and I was just feeling miserable. I guess it happens! It's been very tough, especially because there isn't a clear reason as to why I'm feeling this way. I'm usually very good at knowing the cause of my emotions. But this time? No idea.
I might be overwhelmed by a bunch of things, from politics, to love (or lack thereof), to documents and exams.. I don't really know. I feel like everything is pointless at the moment. Rationally I know that my life is worth living, that I'm a very lucky person, that I have many things to look forward to. But my brain just doesn't seem to wanna cooperate these days!
The best way I can describe it is.. my brain is sad, but I am not. I'm distraught, anxious, inconsolable, on edge. But all these emotions feel very distant from myself. I don't know why. I have a history of struggling to embrace my emotions: I tend to rationalise them and not experience them. This might be part of the issue. I'm not sure. I'll try to take care. You do too!

Hello fellow humans. This is going to be a LONG entry, but a needed one! Lately I've been going back to Youtube and Tiktok, albeit from my PC (which obviously limits the time I spend on those websites). But it's not serving me. It just isn't.
These past couple of days I've been very sad, low energy, unmotivated, worried, anxious, lonely. And when I sat down to analyze the situation, I realised that my feelings always got worse after a social media session, be it on Youtube or Tiktok.
We've all seen that AWFUL jubilee "debate" between Mehdi Hasan and 20 fascists- oh, sorry, "far-right wingers", which left me feeling like this picture of Mehdi: in complete disbelief. People PROUDLY and OPENLY stating they're fascists?? I salute mr. Hasan for his strength: I don't know how he did it. He was great. He has shared his inner conflict regarding the situation: should we give fascists a platform? Is it okay for us to let them speak to a vast public? On the one hand, it's important, because it lets everyone see that fascism is still very much alive, and having someone counter every single argument they make shows how ignorant and inhumane fascism is. But it might also be dangerous: it gives them a big platform, which could influence more people. Personally I feel like this video was an important wake up call: it clearly shows how much our society has changed. 15 years ago you would have never gone on TV and proudly say you're a fascists and a racist. But now.. you do. Fascism is becoming normal again. And this "debate" helped many people realise it.
But I don't think we need more fascists on mainstream media. Like, this was enough. Now everyone has seen that fascists are out there. Let's do something about it. Let's not debate with them, let's just spread information. Let's be kind, strong, let's foster a healthy space with constructive conversations.
They want us to be miserable and demoralised. Let's not give them that! Let's stick to our values: humanity, equality, dignity.

Okay, so I've talked a bit about THAT debate. But let's talk about a broader problem related to social media: algorhythm and format.
On social media we talk about everything: you will see a cute video of a dog, then scroll to a recipe video, and then stumble upon a genocide discussion. All in the same exact format. You have the video, you have a little caption, you have comments at the bottom.. we talk about genocide in the same way we talk about cute dogs. And that, my friends, can be disorienting for our brains. We are thrown into heavy topics without being ready for them. We are faced with war crimes after we've just finished a cute kitten video. No break, no pause, no introduction to it. We need to talk about these things, but I think there's a time and place, which the algorhythm doesn't allow. It ends up feeling incredibly dystopian and surreal. Which is why I'm taking another break from social media. No more Youtube, no more Tiktok. If I hop on Youtube, I will do it to actively search for something, and not just devour whatever the algorhythm is choosing to feed me.
I'll be helped by a browser extention: Stay Free, available on Chrome and Firefox, (and on mobile too). Not only does it let you put timers on certain apps and websites, but it also allows you to hide specific parts of websites, like the home feed, the comment section... very customizable, I recommend it.
I want to take control back. Engage with topics when I choose to, and not just jump from a funny meme to a war video. Something else that we need to do is.. find alternatives. Because okay, we've chosen not to use social media anymore, but what are we going to do in that time instead? Making a list of other things to do can help! From hobbies to chores there are plenty of things to do. Don't get stuck scrolling and take care, friends xx

Hello! I have recently come back from a little vacation with my friend Elliot: we went to Rimini, for our second time together! I've grown to really appreciate Rimini: there's the beach?? a cool city?? great restaurants?? an lgbtq+ and autistic friendly beach?? a cosplay and comics convention?? Sign me up!
We arrived there by train. It took hours, but we're both used to train rides. The problem was: air conditioning. Now, I'm not sure what Trenitalia is thinking, but they often have their ac turned to the setting "freeze all of your passengers": so I was freezing, despite having come prepared with long trousers, a jacket, and even a freaking hat. I slowly developed a cold, and I stayed in our rented flat for a whole day, just sleeping and drawing (I'm not an artist, but it's fun to draw).
When I started feeling better, we went to the beach! Hell yea! I love sunbathing! We solved sudokus together, ate delicious food, and walked a LOT. The beach was 20 minutes away from our flat, so.. let's just say it felt like a workout, going back and forth with all the luggage and stuff XD.
There was also the usual comics convention, which was super fun (and I bought a couple of things, mainly pins and a Winx magazine from 2007). AAAAAND they were doing a Winx show, which was super super fun! I've always loved Winx (you can find my shrine page here), and seeing a live show was just amazing: everyone was jumping and smiling. A lovely evening ^^
"Nathan, why did you put fascists in your entry title", listen. I don't know how to say this, but: every freaking shop at the beach was selling mugs, pins, portaits, magnets of.. you guessed it. Mussolini and Hitler. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? What the fucking fuck? Wha- I'm not saying we should erase history or whatever, don't get me wrong. But mugs?? With Hitler on it? That's not remembering history, that's celebrating him. I was tempted to buy it just to shatter it on the ground in front of the sellers. Speaking of fascism, here's a cool website organising protests in the US: refusefascism.org. Take a look!
Okay, I might have gone off a tangent here (woops). I feel very lucky to have had this trip. I don't travel a lot for personal preference, but this was awesome :)

Hello there! Last night I had my first ever nachos: let me say I was NOT prepared for how spicy they were, LOL. And I thought I could handle it... They were tasty, if you ignore my mouth being on fire ^^! Can people get used to spicy food or is it a genetic thing? I'll have to look that up.
Anyway. Today I went to my friend Anna's house to watch.. High School Musical. Yes. Believe it or not, she had never seen the movie. Like WHAT!? Now she's seen the masterpiece and is a fully cultured person. I had a great laugh: it's a movie built on characters overreacting to everything. A guy at one point says he wants to learnt to make a crème brûlée, and everybody around him screams "no no no nOOOO, don't change who you are, otherwise the status quo will be destroyed": guys, it's a crème brûlée. Also I love crème brûlée. So good.
I remember watching the movie as a kid. I particularly remember that while it was airing on Disney Channel, my uncle Gian was there chatting with my mum, and I was so pissed cuz I couldn't focus on the movie XD It's a sweet memory! Ah, those Disney Channel days..

Hi there! You may or may not know that last week I was very anxious about an upcoming university exam. Let me update you on it ! It went very well, but I realized how the entirety of my anxiety was towards the mark itself, and nothing else.
University should be more about learning than about marks. And when your focus starts to shift from the first to the second… it’s time to rethink your relationship with school. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
So I have decided to stop sharing my marks with people. It builds a very toxic comparison culture, and I believe it can be very harmful for everyone. You might compare yourself with others and feel worthless if you get a lower mark than them, reducing all your efforts to a "I didn't do as well as this other person". So I’m trying to change this habit, at least in my little social circle!
Exam outcomes aren't only dependant on your knowledge or effort. You might be feeling sad, excited, happy, anxious, get questions you know very well or get the exact topic you didn't cover: so many variables that might change your overall performance . So: gradings are very limited and do not perfectly reflect the person’s knowledge or value or actual ability. It’s hard to remember and fully embrace this, especially in a society that constantly puts everyone against each others and encourages individualism. But becoming aware of the problem is a good first step.
While sharing my positive marks makes me feel happy and proud, I don’t think it’s worth it: it builds expectations, conflict, comparisons, hostilities, and it can damage your self esteem whenever you get a lower grade and make you fear learning. But learning can save us, really. Don’t give up knowledge for a grade! If marks are taking that spark away from your learning, it's time to put them aside! They're not inherently bad, but if they are causing you stress, taking a step back can be helpful!

Hi! Writing this from my phone at half past midnight. I'm a bit anxious about my next exam (this friday) at university.. it's an oral exam on criminal law. Law is.. quite a vast topic! There are so many things to know. I don't feel like I'm doing enough to prepare for it. But then again, I always feel like that.
I see people studying 3, 4 hours a day, if not 8 or more! And i can barely get one hour done. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but sometimes it's tough, especially in academics. It's weighing on me a bit.. 🤔
Tomorrow I'll do my best and keep on studying. But I don't know. I feel very insecure about this exam. I know that if I fail I can just do it again, but.. there is a certain pressure to perform.
And right now I feel guilty. I spent an hour watching videos. And I'm like: "I could have studied in this time". I feel guilty for relaxing, I do. Which makes relaxing not very relaxing! 😝
I'll try to sleep now. Today was a good day, actually. I went out to study with my friend Sel and had a nice bubble tea. Then I saw my bestie again after so many months and met her gf! I had a great time. It's a shame that university anxiety is affecting me like this.
Maybe a good night can help me process all of these emotions ✨ Goodnight everyone!

Hi there! ^^ Yesterday was a day full of emotions. I had recently found out that there was going to be a comix convention nearby, so I improvised a cosplay of Kris from Deltarune. All I did was steal a tshirt (sorry mum), steal some yellow tape (sorry Anna my friend), print out a heart, and put some brown shorts on. Hell yea! I went to the convention with a bunch of friends and we had a great time.
There was a special guest: Flavio Aquilone, one of my favourite voice actors. Ever since I was a child I just had this big admiration for him.. and meeting him was amazing! We talked a bit and it just healed me, somehow. He voiced some pretty cool characters, like Light Yagami from Death Note, Hiccup from Dragon Trainer, and Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. Me being trans has definitely impacted my relationship with that one saga, to the point where anything HP related has become synonymous of hate to me. But when you hear the actors and the voice actors supporting trans people.. something heals, at least in me. He briefly talked about trans people and it made me feel so safe and accepted.
There we go, I might start to cry now. It was just a healing moment, that's all. He was the kindest and I hope to meet him again one day! He signed me an autograph, which is now nicely displayed in my bedroom :) I'll hold onto it dearly.
At the convention I also bought the cutest Good Omens keychain ever: yes I like keychains a lot. I always have one on me!
Then my friends and I went to drink a nice bubble tea, and later to a friend's house and played Omori together. It was a good day :) And I'm still quite emotional about it all!

Hey! Yesterday was quite a full day: it was both my brother's and my friend Elliot's birthday, which meant double party! I had a great time in both occasions ^^.
While I was at Elliot's, a friend of mine gifted me a cute Michael Jackson keychain, and I made myself a little deltarune-themed bracelet (see pics!). I really like making bracelets, though I don't have many beads myself:
I always steal them from Elliot (sorry LOL!). They're little reminders of things I love, and I'm always happy to wear one.
At night I.. decided to hop on twitch! There's this italian streamer, albeit small, who I've been following for 5 years. It's always fun to watch his streams :) Last night he was playing some games with the viewers, so I joined despite being very tired from the day. So I ended up going to bed at 2 am. Remember what I wrote in the 7/06 entry? That I love to go to bed early? Yeah. I knew this was going to change with summer XD. Why wake up early with all this heat, when you can just stay up at night when the temperature drops? ;D Don't worry, I'll.. fix my sleep schedule. Especially because it's still exam season!!! Which is making me a big anxious, not going to lie. I just.. want to do my best with them. I want to learn everything there is to learn. Which is literally impossible. Might have to set more realistic goals here: to quote Panic! At the Disco, "I set my expectations high, so nothing ever comes out right". Better to keep your feet on the ground, mh? I'm working on it. It can be hard at times. But I must accept my limits, otherwise I'll only be met with disappointment!
On a brighter note.. this sunday I'm going to a cosplay convention with an incredible italian voice actor I cannot wait to meet. I am super excited!!! But I'm not sure as to how I'm going to dress: my Venti cosplay? My Kris cosplay (which is still just an idea and all I have is some yellow tape to put on a green t-shirt)? Who knows!
In the meantime, I'll try to study law XD One week till the exam! Let's go!
Stay safe everyone ^^! xx

Hello! A little update. Yesterday I went to a musical instrument shop with my brother: he wanted to get himself a violin. The seller was very surprised to see a young man randomly deciding to learn the violin during the summer. I was also surprised, but my brother is a bit random like that XD. So I decided to also get myself a little something I'd been wanting forever: a harmonica. Yes! A little harmonica! I wasn't really aware of.. how they worked. Now I'm learning and I'm having plenty of fun (despite my jaw hurting, LOL). I love the sound of it, it's really relaxing and calming. And it just screams "summer" to me. I can imagine being on a hill, under a nice tree, playing the harmonica. But for now I'm only playing it in my bedroom, to spare people's hearing while I try to sound decent.
I'm preparing two exams for the summer session (criminal law and private law!), and they are quite.. big exams! But I'm sure it's going to be worth it: law fascinates me a lot.
Speaking of law, last night I watched "The devil's advocate", a 1997 movie with Keanu Reeves, Al Pacino and Charlize Theron. I loved it! I know some people find it long and over the top, but I quite enjoyed it! I recommend it (but check the trigger warnings for it: it's not for everyone!).

Hi there! Yes! Deltarune chapter 3 and 4 are out! I've finished chapter 3 for now, and what can I say? It was great! I don't know how Toby Fox manages to always keep the quality so high. It's truly remarkable. I will not spoil anything about the new chapters, of course! You're safe here 😝
On thursday I went out with my friends: dined together and went to a high school theatre show, to support a couple of friends. It was a nice night out, though I initally was very reluctant because of the time. As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those people that normally love to go to bed early, at like 10 pm. So, when there are evening events I'm not very excited. But I've been trying to be more flexible about this, and go out a bit later sometimes. Obviously I shouldn't change my entire sleep schedule, but I guess sometimes we can make an exception!
And now that summer's coming up, I will definitely start going to bed later. Nights are the only time you can exist without melting! We'll see how late I'll be going to bed in a couple of weeks.. while still trying to sleep enough. Balanced rest is important!
Tomorrow I'll be waking up at 9 am (earlier than my usual weekend routine) to go to vote. Are you italian? Go vote!!!
Aaaand that's my update for now. Stay safe! xx

Hello! Today marks a big event in my life, one of those that you remember forever: I went to court for my legal name and sex change. Yes, in Italy it works like that: you need a lawyer, you file a request, you go do the hearing and legal proceeding, ect. It does take a bit of time, but it's just how things are currently, so we work with what we have.
Until 2015, trans people in Italy could only change their documents after having had surgery: not any surgery, but one that made you infertile. Which is crazy if you think about it. Trans people (and ANY people) have a right to choose whether to reproduce or not. Luckily in 2015, thanks to the amazing work of Alessandra Gracis, a transgender lawyer, the surgery is not necessary anymore. This opened the door to people that are unsure about surgery, cannot afford it or handle it physically, or simply don't want it. It was a big step in the right direction, but it came a bit late, didn't it? 2015 was basically yesterday. The fight for rights is not over.
The proceeding itself was quite simple! The judge asked me a few questions about my gender journey, and we handed all the papers and psychological evaluations. We were done in about 10 minutes! The request to change documents has to be studied by a group of 3 judges, who will make the decision together. After that, it's a game of patience. You gotta wait one or two months until all the papers are ready, and then you can finally get your ID! This means that by September I'll be fully recognised as a man legally. It's a great achievement for me. I did not pay a single euro for this proceeding: in Italy, if you have less than a certain amount of personal income, you can do your legal proceedings for free. But that amount of money is very low, and excludes the vast majority of the population. This means that for most people changing their names is quite expensive: we're talking thousands of euros. This should not be the case. I mean, changing your name?! Why do we even have to go to COURT for that? Identity should not be a privilege.
Well. I know Italy will not make progress on this soon, but I know that someday we will. We will! We just have to. I have faith in humanity. I know. It's hard to stay positive in this world. But hey. They want us to feel miserable and I won't play by their rules. I'll keep believing in fairness.
I'm grateful for my lawyer, who was the coolest, my mother who accompanied me to court, my friends and family who showed me support, every trans person before me, who made this possible. And myself, for making it this far.

Hi there! Yesterday there was a pride protest in my university city. You can see some pictures I took here! I was wearing an outfit with the colours of the trans flag. It had been a few years since I'd been to a pride event, so I was excited and a bit nervous. The fact that the train we were on just stopped and cancelled its trip half way through was.. nervewracking! But we managed to get on a bus and arrive in Padua, albeit a bit later. Trenitalia always be messing with us XD.
I had a good time with my friends and with strangers. There were incredibly cool people everywhere . It's refreshing to see people expressing themselves freely. Sadly this is not always possible for everyone everyday. But pride is that moment of reclaiming our space in society 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️.
And this is very important right now, especially for trans people everywhere, that are seeing their rights taken away and their countries acting as if they don't exist. Nope: trans people exist, and will continue to.
Let's be extra proud this month, but all year long too!
Never be ashamed of your queerness. It's beautiful!

Hello people! If you had met me in the streets today, you would have seen me like this (see attached picture). So what happened? Nothing big, truly. Just something that disappointed me greatly! Let's get into it.
Today in class the teacher requested that we asked some questions, to make the lesson more.. interactive. But nobody wanted to intervene, given that the environment doesn't always feel that welcoming. So I was like: I'll do it. I'll save the rest of my class. All I need to do is raise my hand and ask a question. So I do. And oh boy. The teacher replies like this: "I will answer your question once you fix your grammar". And I had no idea what I had said wrong. So I just start looking around to see if anyone knew what the teacher meant, and nobody knew. Everyone turned to me, giving me their suggestions of what I could say, but I was just too.. demolished and sad. Schools, universities, classes, they should be safe spaces, where one can speak without fear of judgement. If I do say something wrong, that doesn't mean you should turn it around to make fun of me in front of the class. (Keep in mind that this was not a language class).
But you know what makes this even better? I was right. My grammar in that question was correct. I checked. It's hard for me to imagine myself intervening ever again (unless we talk about some special interest of mine, like Tomb Raider). I hope this won't stop me from raising my hand in other classes. But with this one specifically.. I might just have to take a step back and just process it. So all of this just made me quite sad and disappointed. Will I recover? Of course. As I've said, it's nothing tragic. Still, as someone that a couple of years ago could not leave the house because of anxiety, this is something that hits.
You stay safe, my dear folks. You speak up and say whatever you want, even making a mistake. Maybe you had only slept 3 hours the night before. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe you have anxiety. Maybe you just don't care about grammar. You do you. It doesn't matter. Keep your chin up. And I know I'm saying this to myself too. Much love xx

Hi there! You read the title (or maybe didn't, in which case.. read the title): youtube is getting on me.
Just the sheer amount of ignorant content and comments, oh god. And I find it super hard not to reply to people sharing misinformation . It sort of feels like my duty. But is it? No it isn't. How can I, a random guy, save the web from hate, fake news, uninformed takes and plain homotransphobia? I can't. I'm literally just a guy. It can't be my job.
The web is a very weird place in that sense. In real life, if someone was being hateful or saying something clearly wrong, I'd intervene, and that would feel like my duty indeed . But online there's a big difference: you are not in a limited physical space. You're pretty much talking to.. everyone! Millions, billions of people on the web! Internet conversations are much wider than those in real life, and often too big and vast for our brains to process.
There's also the fact that people don't feel the need to filter their opinions online. While irl they might make an effort to sound kind and polite, online they don't care: there's not a "real person" in front of them, just an account. It doesn't hit as much. Empathy struggles on the web, and people are much harsher and more extreme.
Trying to engage in conversations with those people online is.. tough and detrimental to our mental health. And don't get me started on tiktok: that's even worse! Which is why I'm taking a break from both youtube and tiktok, and any social media I'd like to use in case. I'm not a big social media person, I only use youtube and sometimes access tiktok from my pc. That's it. Still, it's taking a toll on me, so I can't just sit here and let it eat me! I need to realise that while the line between real life and online is getting blurrier by the day, they are still two very different places with different rules .
I'll update you. Stay safe and check in with yourself and your time on the web. The internet is cool, but there are certain parts of it which.. aren't so much! Navigate safely. Much love!

Hi! This past week was surely a roller coaster of emotions. I made up with that old friend of mine I mentioned in my 10/05 entry: it was the best choice ever, to finally let go of any grudges and just accept past mistakes. And so I'm quite happy with how things turned out.
I'm glad I waited until now to re-establish our friendship though: I needed time to process everything and grow. Take this as a reminder to be patient with yourself and your journey, but also stay open to the idea that things can indeed get better at one point, and if you feel like it's time to set the record straight, it might be worth considering!
Forgiving (both yourself and someone else) is not easy, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you aren't able to do it in this moment. Maybe one day you will, maybe not. It doesn't make your experience any less valid. Sending a hug!

Hello! I watched a bit of Eurovision this weekend. What can I say? JJ (Austria, aka the winner) was amazing and deserved that win. But Israel got in second place, which was.. unbelievable. Not only was the song average, but come on: it's Israel. And the singer herself said that she agrees with "everything Israel is doing". You know what Israel is doing, right? How tf can you agree with that? There's no place for these outdated and hateful views. I'm disappointed and Eurovision can stop existing if it allows this kind of stuff. No excuse. It's supposed to be a music contest that brings people together, not justifying gen0cide. Simply unbelievable.

(Happy birthday to my friend Marty!) Hello thereee. These past few days have been better! Just found some peace and quiet and patience. University was very demanding of my energy, but I got through this week as well! (Oh, the exam went well if u were wondering. I got.. 29/30. Yeah 💀 We don't talk about that). I had a bit of a moment on wednesday though: I dressed more sporty than usual, and somehow I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable and ugly. It's a style I haven't been wearing a lot, so it just felt out of my comfort zone. But exploring fashion requires you to have days like that: you put an outfit on, and feel like a clown. Now you know that the following time you might want to change something, whether it's the outfit itself or your attitude towards it. I'll say, it wasn't an ugly outfit: a black sweatshirt tucked in some olive green cargo trousers, with a checkered black and white belt, and white converse shoes. I put some thought into it as well. But I just felt.. naked! I usually wear button up shirts, vests, jumpers.. oh, and jeans. I love jeans. They're my favourite type of trousers. So yeah. And on top of everything, I met a person on the train (an old friend with whom I have plenty of history, but we won't get into that here), and I was feeling the ugliest toad on earth. But it's all about self-confidence. I guess I've found something that makes me more confident (shirts and ties), but I still have to work on other type of wear. I can't always be wearing ties, you know? ...OR CAN I? Mh. WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY XD. I just want to broaden my horizons a bit. We'll see. I also really like colourful and childish wear, like bright colours and cute prints, and hair pins and kandi bracelets.. But I only wear those when I feel extra confident. Well, I never wear hair pins in public: I have yet to see a man wearing those. It takes courage to express yourself, and I'm still gathering it. Well, I'll update you on my fashionista journey LOL. Stay safe and have some fun with fashion! Lots of love xx

Hello my fellow web surfers. Today was NOT my day at all XD. The exam itself was.. okay?? I think I did well (but I'll find out tomorrow). Though I was unsure about a specific question.. I picked an answer (it was multiple choice), but was unsure, so I changed answer near the end of the test. Aaaand I had picked the right one in the beginning. This made me really sad, but not because I made a mistake (the mark itself isn't that important), but because of WHY i made that mistake. It was caused by my uncertainty, by a lack of esteem and respect for my thoughts and opinions. I had picked an answer, but didn't feel confident enough, for who knows what reason. So why did I do that? Was it the fact that I had only slept 1 hour last night? Was it the anxiety? Was it thoughts about unrequited love and home? Who knows. All I know is that a strong feeling of disappointment came rushing over me. And it's still there. So after this, I went outside and met my other friends, and I told them about it. They.. ignored it, basically. And it's okay, it's not something you gotta read into: they were thinking about other things. Still, it made me feel lonely and misunderstood and invisible, which is something that I've been feeling often lately. We went shopping together, but I was not feeling it, so I decided to say bye and head to the train station to go back home and get some rest.
But hell naw.
There was a train strike going on, so my train was cancelled 💀. I looked for a bus, and it came right past me. But I waited for the following bus, and got in 😎. I finally got home and was able to relax a bit. I was super tense all day long, frowning and just having this very sad look on my face, which was hard to take off. You know what they say. "You're never fully dressed without a smile". That quote makes me feel guilty for being sad. But I realise that's not a healthy way of dealing with it. Right now I'm home, typing on my computer. I'm tired and I have quite a headache. But I survived the day, and that's what matters.
I'd like to share a little thing I do to cope with heavy emotions: I do some temporary tattoos! You know, those kids tattoos that you apply with water? They really help. If you ever struggle regulating your emotions, you could try that! Plus they look cute, so why not? ^^
Hopefully tomorrow won't be as tough. But who knows, it might even get worse. Hey i'm just being realistic here XD. Anyway. Stay safe!!

*this entry has been edited a bit to better protect my privacy

Hey there! I haven't been updating my journal in a while. I've been quite busy with university and overall stressed, so I'm trying my best to stay afloat and calm. It's not always easy, but I think I'm doing a good job! ^^ I don't have any big update. I took a public law exam, which went very well, and I'm happy about it. And tomorrow I have another exam, this time on social psychology. I'm not a big fan of psychology, I have to say. It always seems very.. limited. Humans are incredibly complex and no lecture can explain everything. I guess I have a prejudice when it comes to psychology, and it might stem from my terrible experiences with therapists and psychiatrists. I hope that one day I'll be able to change my mind. But so far, these doctors (and I've changed 7 in total) only gave me insights and advice that even a friend could have given me. So it doesn't feel that groundbreaking.
I remember when I told my therapist that I wanted to go back to school and get my diploma. She told me I shouldn't do it, because I was already too old (I was.. 19 💀) and I wouldn't have been able to socialise. Thank god I didn't listen to her: I made great friends, learnt a lot, graduated with the maximum score and now I'm studying at university!
And there are many other examples I could give, but hey: I don't want this entry to be a rant! Though I guess I do treat journaling like that. I just let my thoughts flow and take me wherever they want. Anyway. Today I had a nice skincare day, to relax a bit. And it helped! I love taking care of my body, it's a special moment where I connect with myself. I might share my skincare routine here one day: feeling like a 2015 makeup guru on youtube. Did you also watch those creators? I'm talking like.. Zoella. Y'ALL REMEMBER ZOELLA?? God. I even had a fanpage about Dan and Phil (who I still watch). Okay i'm going off a tangent here XD
I'm a bit worried for tomorrow's exam: I have very high standards and expectations when it comes to myself. I'm still learning to.. take things easy. It's a long process, and I'll do my best to stay patient and be kind with myself. Lots of things happened lately (too personal to share), so my mind is all over the place. But that's what being human means sometimes. I'll embrace it 💗

Hello! What a day I bought my first e-reader ever (a kobo clara bw) and learnt to solve rubik's cube (using this youtube tutorial)-which btw is SO FUN. My father has always been passionate about rubik's cubes, and has a nice collection of them in different variations. He always insisted I learned how to solve them as a kid, but I just feel too pressured into it, and never tried But today- I don't know why- I suddenly felt like trying to solve it. And.. I managed to do it four times already! ^^ A nice little skill to have, honestly. It's quite relaxing!

(happy birthday to my friend Irene!) Hey there! Ah, it's friday! University has been quite demanding lately, in terms of energy! I'm pushing through though. We're studying private and public law, which is incredibly interesting. You know, I've always been fascinated by how people get together and create governments to try and make things work. It's a noble thing! Of course most politicians are not worthy of that title. But in its pure form, I quite like the idea of law. I guess it can get out of hand pretty quickly easily.. which is why I love preventive measures and papers with the fundamental rights and principles of a certain State, like the Consitution. Ah, what am I saying?! It's almost 11 pm, and you might want to know that I'm the biggest sleeper ever. World record napper. Best tired boy. I usually go to bed at around 9 pm. And my bed routine is as follows: skincare, reading a book in bed, falling asleep. I put my phone away before all of this, because I don't want to check my phone in bed. It gets super easy to just mindlessly scroll.. and it doesn't make me feel good. Bed time is a time to relax, wind down after a long day, take care of oneself. It's a precious moment for me. Which is probably why I don't like partying at night. It just gets my schedule messed up! But don't worry, I do have a social life and sometimes am in fact forced to spend the night out.. XD I'm more of a "let's hang out at 3 pm" person. Yeah, I know. But see, my body wants to sleep at night, and who am I to refuse such a gentle request? So. I'll sleep now. LMAO i don't know what this entry was XD i'll.. talk to you all more soon! Stay safe, much love and good sleep/nap/rest to everyone!

Helloo! Just played Uno (the card game) with my family: I won every round Very proud of that, ahah! Today I was very sleepy, but decided to hang out a bit with my friend Elliot. We had a bubble tea and talked a bit, nothing big! I like this kind of thing, very relaxing and chill. Overall it was a good day! I spent a decent part of it looking at websites: so many people have incredible talent and make the cutest websites. It's lovely to see ^^

hi :) you ever find it hard to move on from someone, even though it's been years? it's not easy to accept how much you miss them and how much love is lacking everywhere. in these moments, i like to indulge in some sadness and then listen to "supreme" by robbie williams, to end on a positive note :)

hello there! march is almost coming to an end (which means my law exam is soon, but let's ignore that). spring has been giving me lots of joy especially PIGEONS. they look happy in the sunlight. i want to buy some seeds to feed them! i live in italy, and some cities here have laws against feeding pigeons. watch me become a criminal, mama (just kidding, i'm kidding, i'll follow the law. maybe). well. it's raining right now, but even when we don't see it, the sun is always there, just behind the clouds! it'll come out soon, so let's appreciate this rain in the meantime.

i have maaany things to talk about actually, but i've been quite busy and sleepy, so i'll update you soon! stay safe mates!

hii! great news: i got the date for my legal name change! it's going to be in june, and i'm so excited! i've been waiting for this moment for years and years.. it's finally here! ^^ today i've started playing tomb raider 2: it's improving my mood quite a bit!

hey ^-^ today i've been feeling better :) played a lot of tomb raider and studied some law. but most importantly: took a nice nap. i was inspired by my cat, the best napper in the world!

hi there! these days haven't been exactly easy. homotransphobic hate is really getting to me.. i'll do my best to stay strong :) Just wish i could live out my life without continuously having to justify it. maybe one day we'll get there. stay safe everyone! xx

hello tonight i do feel a bit sad. there's so much hate everywhere, it really hurts me. but pain isn't always a negative thing: it also has a creative power. collective pain brought about amazing change all throughout history, from the rights of workers, to the ones of women, black people, healthcare, and so much more. i'll do my best to use this pain in the best way possible: it's a telltale sign that love is lacking. and i'll do my part in bringing kindness to the world. much love to anyone struggling today!

finally got my hands on tomb raider I-III remastered! i'm playing it on PC and i'm having so much fun ^^ Lara Croft has always been an inspiration for me

hi and happy international women's day! today is a great day to stop and reflect on the incredible fight women and woman presenting people have been carrying since the dawn of time. the fight is far from over, which is why it's necessary that we stay informed and alert, each doing our part for what is right and just. you can find the report on global gender gap (world economic forum, 2024) here. Much love to everyone!

hello! today i was on the train, and a guy was sitting next to me. he looked like a "maranza" (an italian word for.. a young boy that dresses like a criminal rapper). well, the way he was carrying himself and the outfit made me assume he was someone i needed to be careful around. but what does he do then? he helps an old couple place their luggages on the train, and in doing so he smiles and is super kind. it was such a sweet and lovely gesture, and so unexpected based on his look! it reminded me that even when i try my best to be open minded, i still fall victim to stereotypes and wrong assumptions. i think our society would benefit a lot from a change in the way we view strangers: not as a potential threat, but more as a human we don't know. they might be a billion different things, but always assuming the worst, especially just based on looks, is not the way to go. of course i'm not saying go out and trust every person you see.. but we should pay more attention to our prejudices, even when they are subconscious, and try to make an effort to let people show what they are, instead of having us assuming what they are.

hi there! oh my, the first entry on this website. very exciting. i started learning how to code only yesterday, which means i'm still a beginner (and it's easy to tell). either way, i'm having lots of fun! i was intrigued by the idea of the indie web, a more personal space on the internet, not always linked to money-making or becoming an influencer or anything like that. this is a chill place, a safe space to express yourself. and i like it!